The Energy of Friendship

The Power of Assertiveness in Our Connected World

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In today's hyper-connected world, being assertive is more important than ever. Whether you're navigating the complexities of remote work, managing personal or professional relationships, or simply trying to stay grounded amidst a whirlwind of information, assertiveness is the key to maintaining balance. It’s not about being aggressive or domineering but about expressing your needs clearly and confidently while respecting others.

We find fearless assertiveness in children. At times, it can be incredibly frustrating dealing with them, not because they are demanding, in truth, but because they are so sure of what they want! We adults are unfamiliar with this kind of confidence and self-assurance. One cannot imagine a grown man, for example, loudly interrupting a salesperson at a car-garage in order to declare: “But I want THAT ONE!” However, everybody’s lives would be made easier if they did! 

Assertiveness stems from a strong sense of self—self-esteem, self-worth, and self-efficacy. It allows us to communicate directly, setting boundaries and making decisions without feeling guilty or over-explaining ourselves. For those moments when challenges arise, having a toolkit of assertiveness techniques can be a game-changer. Here are three effective methods for staying assertive, even in tough situations: Negative Enquiry, the Broken Record Technique, and Fogging.

1. Negative Enquiry: Turn Criticism Into Clarity

Negative Enquiry is a powerful way to handle criticism or blame without becoming defensive. Instead of countering accusations or shutting down, this technique encourages you to ask questions that seek more information. For example, if a colleague says, “You never contribute enough to team meetings,” you could respond with, “How do you mean exactly?” or “Can you provide specific examples?”

By seeking clarification, you take the heat out of the criticism, showing that you are open to understanding their perspective. This often makes the other person reflect on their words and may soften their approach. It's a way of turning a potentially confrontational situation into a constructive dialogue.

2. The Broken Record Technique: Firmly Saying No

Saying “no” can be challenging, especially when others continue to push or persist. The Broken Record Technique is an effective method for maintaining your stance without giving in to pressure. When someone tries to convince you to change your mind—like a salesperson pushing a product—you can repeat your refusal calmly, using the same words each time.

For example: “Yes, I understand that the encyclopedia could be useful for my son's education, but I do not wish to buy it right now.” If they continue to press, you repeat, “I appreciate your point, but I do not wish to buy it now.” The repetition keeps you on message, making it clear that your decision is firm, without resorting to anger or elaborate justifications.

3. Fogging: Disarm With Agreement

Fogging is a technique that can help defuse aggression or criticism by agreeing with part of what the other person says—this often comes as a surprise to them! Instead of escalating the situation or shutting down a conversation, you acknowledge some aspect of their statement, even if you don't agree with the whole message. For example, if a coworker accuses you of not pulling your weight, you might say, “Yes, I can see why you might feel that way given the workload last week.”

By agreeing with a small truth, you validate the other person’s perspective without undermining your own. This diffuses tension and shows that you are listening, which can make the other party more open to hearing your side as well.

Harnessing Assertiveness in Daily Life

These assertiveness techniques—Negative Enquiry, the Broken Record, and Fogging—are powerful tools for navigating difficult conversations and maintaining your composure. In a world that is increasingly high-pace, demanding, and connected, knowing how to assert yourself without aggression can make all the difference.

Practice these methods regularly, and they will become second nature. You'll find yourself approaching tough situations with the grace of a seasoned diplomat—or perhaps better yet: with the fearlessness of a child. 

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