The Energy of Friendship
September 23, 2024
The 3 Keys For Discerning True Friendship
Ralph Emerson once observed that, “Friendship is the masterpiece of nature.” Indeed, friendship is often considered one of the most rewarding aspects of life. It’s right up there with love, family, and fulfilling work. When friendships are good, they bring laughter, joy, and a sense of belonging. Yet, we’ve all, at times, had cause to question the authenticity of a friendship. Are my friends truly my friends, or am I stuck in a one-sided relationship that drains my energy?
Friendship can be tricky. Unlike our family relationships, which we have much less control over as we are born into them, we get to choose our friends. But unfortunately this means we won’t always make the right choice. Some friendships do not stand the test of time, others can prove to be downright harmful. Exceptional friendships, the kind that have inspired the great literature of the world, from Gilgamesh and Enkidu through to Samwise Gamgee and Frodo Baggins, are so rare that they obtain mythical status.
So, how can we tell when a friendship is genuine and when it’s merely a social convenience or—worse—a parasitic relationship?
Key Signs of True Friendship
Basing my conclusions on personal experience and observation, rather than scientific studies which often miss the wider context, I think there are three characteristics which consistently emerge as hallmarks of true friendship: equality, reciprocity, and empathy.
- Equality
Pythagoras famously said, “Friendship is equality”, and this holds true today. True friendship thrives on equality. When one person in a friendship feels superior or inferior, the relationship quickly becomes unbalanced. Inferiority or superiority could emerge in many forms. For example, if, during conversation, one friend’s issues are always prioritised, the other friend might feel they are not being heard. Alternatively, it could be the case that one friend is continuously emphasising their financial or societal “superiority”, rather than recognising that friendship can and should exist independent of these factors[1].
Equality means both friends can share their thoughts, emotions, and experiences without fear of judgment or a need to prove themselves.
The next time you are with friends, pay attention to the flow of conversation. Is it 50-50? Do you both have the opportunity to talk about yourselves, or does the conversation always revolve around one person? Genuine friendships feel easy and natural, where neither friend feels the need to assert dominance or defer to the other.
Needless to say, friendships based on inequality often lead to feelings of inadequacy or resentment. If you're constantly trying to impress your “friend” or feeling belittled by their actions, it’s a sign that the foundations of the relationship are shaky.
- Reciprocity
While friendships aren’t transactional, they do involve a give-and-take. A true friend will give back as much as they take, and this exchange of benefits happens naturally. It’s not about keeping score but feeling appreciated and supported.
Ask yourself: Do you feel like you're doing all the giving in the friendship? Do your friends only seem to “take”—whether it’s your time, energy, or resources—without giving anything meaningful in return? Worse yet, do they give only what they want to give, without any consideration of what actually matters to you?
When you give in a genuine friendship, it is as good as receiving—a principle which applies to romantic relationships as well. The best friendships are about mutual support, where both parties feel uplifted.
It should, however, be noted that though the reciprocity may be equal, it is not identical. This may seem slightly paradoxical, so it is worth illustrating with an example.
A good friend of mine, we shall call him Horace, has been friends with Gully since they were eleven years old—over twenty years. Theirs is an extraordinary friendship that has withstood many assaults and triumphed over many adversities. The relationship is totally equal in many senses, and yet each is bringing something very different to the party. Gully is extremely artistic. He regularly thinks of Horace and creates handmade gifts for him. Gully also helps Horace to unwind by engaging him in fun creative pursuits which Gully organises. Horace, on the other hand, is more intellectual. He spends much time and energy mentoring Gully to help Gully achieve his creative goals which otherwise he would not pursue.
Both are sharing equally, but their “gifts”, for lack of a better term, are not the same. You could almost argue in the case of Horace and Gully that they occupy yin-yang polarities, and thus compliment one another. Gully helps Horace relax and explore his softer, more creative side. Horace pushes Gully to reach for more, and shows him how to do this. This is a state of harmonious equality, but without either party having to “force” themselves into a shape that is not their own.
- Empathy
Empathy is perhaps the most defining characteristic of a meaningful friendship. A true friend can put themselves in your shoes, understanding your feelings, needs, and challenges. They care about what you’re going through and will try to help you in ways that are meaningful to you, not just convenient for them.
Have you ever had a friend who’s there in the good times but disappears when things get tough? Or one who doesn’t really listen, only waiting for their turn to talk? These are signs of a lack of empathy.
In a genuine friendship, both people understand each other on a deeper level. They listen, not just to respond, but to understand.
Why It’s Important Use Discernment In Your Friendships
Discerning the authenticity of your friendships isn’t about being unkind or cutting people out unnecessarily. It’s about recognising which relationships nourish your soul and which ones deplete you. True friends leave you feeling energised, happy, and supported after spending time together. If you leave interactions feeling drained, inadequate, or diminished, it’s time to reassess the relationship.
It’s vital to pay attention to how you feel around your friends. Emotions don’t lie. A good friend will elevate your self-esteem, while a fake friend might leave you feeling worse than before.
How to Move Forward: Fostering Healthier Friendships
If, after reflection, you find that some of your friendships lack equality, reciprocity, or empathy, it may be time to reconsider how much energy you’re investing in those relationships. You don’t have to confront the person or create drama. Instead, gradually pull back. Focus on relationships where you feel uplifted and appreciated. As they say in NLP, are you moving away from pain or towards what you want? The former will only lead to further suffering. Rather than thinking you need to run away from “toxic” relationships, if you instead reorient your focus on the good ones, you will find more joy. This principle applies to many areas of life.
A final point would be to prioritise friendships that align with your values. Of course, the Motivational Map is a great tool to help with this, though it is not the only one, and must also be used with discernment. Remember, it is not about the motivators as static archetypes, but about your own interpretation and relationship with the motivators. Two people with Friend as their number one motivator may, on the surface, seem to have similar values, but in fact interpret their motivator very differently!
Getting friendship right is not easy—and there are no cheat-codes—but its rewards are some of the greatest one can experience in a lifetime. Like the Motivational Maps profile, we have to bear in mind that friendships are not static. They change over time. You either grow together or grow apart, as an old maxim has it. Problems usually arrive when we cling to the static “image” of a friendship rather than attending to its living truth.
[1]It is intriguing to note that many of the world’s most successful societies, including secret societies, often practice reversals of status. There is a famous, if somewhat apocryphal, story about a President of the United States attending a Freemasonry meeting and, due to the drawing of lots, having to kowtow to his own janitor! But such subversions remind one of our equality with our fellow human beings.
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