Motivational Memos

The Energy of Friendship

The 3 Keys For Discerning True Friendship

Ralph Emerson once observed that, “Friendship is the masterpiece of nature.” Indeed, friendship is often considered one of the most rewarding aspects of life. It’s right up there with love, family, and fulfilling work. When friendships are good, they bring laughter, joy, and a sense of belonging. Yet, we’ve all, at times, had cause to question the authenticity of a friendship. Are my friends truly my friends, or am I stuck in a one-sided relationship that drains my energy?

Friendship can be tricky. Unlike our family relationships, which we have much less control over as we are born into them, we get to choose our friends. But unfortunately this means we won’t always make the right choice. Some friendships do not stand the test of time, others can prove to be downright harmful. Exceptional friendships, the kind that have inspired the great literature of the world, from Gilgamesh and Enkidu through to Samwise Gamgee and Frodo Baggins, are so rare that they obtain mythical status.

So, how can we tell when a friendship is genuine and when it’s merely a social convenience or—worse—a parasitic relationship?

Key Signs of True Friendship

Basing my conclusions on personal experience and observation, rather than scientific studies which often miss the wider context, I think there are three characteristics which consistently emerge as hallmarks of true friendship: equality, reciprocity, and empathy.

1. Equality

Pythagoras famously said, “Friendship is equality”, and this holds true today. True friendship thrives on equality. When one person in a friendship feels superior or inferior, the relationship quickly becomes unbalanced. Inferiority or superiority could emerge in many forms. For example, if, during conversation, one friend’s issues are always prioritised, the other friend might feel they are not being heard. Alternatively, it could be the case that one friend is continuously emphasising their financial or societal “superiority”, rather than recognising that friendship can and should exist independent of these factors[1].

Equality means both friends can share their thoughts, emotions, and experiences without fear of judgment or a need to prove themselves.

The next time you are with friends, pay attention to the flow of conversation. Is it 50-50? Do you both have the opportunity to talk about yourselves, or does the conversation always revolve around one person? Genuine friendships feel easy and natural, where neither friend feels the need to assert dominance or defer to the other.

Needless to say, friendships based on inequality often lead to feelings of inadequacy or resentment. If you're constantly trying to impress your “friend” or feeling belittled by their actions, it’s a sign that the foundations of the relationship are shaky.

2. Reciprocity

While friendships aren’t transactional, they do involve a give-and-take. A true friend will give back as much as they take, and this exchange of benefits happens naturally. It’s not about keeping score but feeling appreciated and supported.

Ask yourself: Do you feel like you're doing all the giving in the friendship? Do your friends only seem to “take”—whether it’s your time, energy, or resources—without giving anything meaningful in return? Worse yet, do they give only what they want to give, without any consideration of what actually matters to you?

When you give in a genuine friendship, it is as good as receiving—a principle which applies to romantic relationships as well. The best friendships are about mutual support, where both parties feel uplifted.

It should, however, be noted that though the reciprocity may be equal, it is not identical. This may seem slightly paradoxical, so it is worth illustrating with an example.

A good friend of mine, we shall call him Horace, has been friends with Gully since they were eleven years old—over twenty years. Theirs is an extraordinary friendship that has withstood many assaults and triumphed over many adversities. The relationship is totally equal in many senses, and yet each is bringing something very different to the party. Gully is extremely artistic. He regularly thinks of Horace and creates handmade gifts for him. Gully also helps Horace to unwind by engaging him in fun creative pursuits which Gully organises. Horace, on the other hand, is more intellectual. He spends much time and energy mentoring Gully to help Gully achieve his creative goals which otherwise he would not pursue.

Both are sharing equally, but their “gifts”, for lack of a better term, are not the same. You could almost argue in the case of Horace and Gully that they occupy yin-yang polarities, and thus compliment one another. Gully helps Horace relax and explore his softer, more creative side. Horace pushes Gully to reach for more, and shows him how to do this. This is a state of harmonious equality, but without either party having to “force” themselves into a shape that is not their own.

3. Empathy

Empathy is perhaps the most defining characteristic of a meaningful friendship. A true friend can put themselves in your shoes, understanding your feelings, needs, and challenges. They care about what you’re going through and will try to help you in ways that are meaningful to you, not just convenient for them.

Have you ever had a friend who’s there in the good times but disappears when things get tough? Or one who doesn’t really listen, only waiting for their turn to talk? These are signs of a lack of empathy.

In a genuine friendship, both people understand each other on a deeper level. They listen, not just to respond, but to understand.

Why It’s Important Use Discernment In Your Friendships

Discerning the authenticity of your friendships isn’t about being unkind or cutting people out unnecessarily. It’s about recognising which relationships nourish your soul and which ones deplete you. True friends leave you feeling energised, happy, and supported after spending time together. If you leave interactions feeling drained, inadequate, or diminished, it’s time to reassess the relationship.

It’s vital to pay attention to how you feel around your friends. Emotions don’t lie. A good friend will elevate your self-esteem, while a fake friend might leave you feeling worse than before.

How to Move Forward: Fostering Healthier Friendships

If, after reflection, you find that some of your friendships lack equality, reciprocity, or empathy, it may be time to reconsider how much energy you’re investing in those relationships. You don’t have to confront the person or create drama. Instead, gradually pull back. Focus on relationships where you feel uplifted and appreciated. As they say in NLP, are you moving away from pain or towards what you want? The former will only lead to further suffering. Rather than thinking you need to run away from “toxic” relationships, if you instead reorient your focus on the good ones, you will find more joy. This principle applies to many areas of life.

A final point would be to prioritise friendships that align with your values. Of course, the Motivational Map is a great tool to help with this, though it is not the only one, and must also be used with discernment. Remember, it is not about the motivators as static archetypes, but about your own interpretation and relationship with the motivators. Two people with Friend as their number one motivator may, on the surface, seem to have similar values, but in fact interpret their motivator very differently!

Getting friendship right is not easy—and there are no cheat-codes—but its rewards are some of the greatest one can experience in a lifetime. Like the Motivational Maps profile, we have to bear in mind that friendships are not static. They change over time. You either grow together or grow apart, as an old maxim has it. Problems usually arrive when we cling to the static “image” of a friendship rather than attending to its living truth.

[1]It is intriguing to note that many of the world’s most successful societies, including secret societies, often practice reversals of status. There is a famous, if somewhat apocryphal, story about a President of the United States attending a Freemasonry meeting and, due to the drawing of lots, having to kowtow to his own janitor! But such subversions remind one of our equality with our fellow human beings.

If you are curious about Motivational Maps please contact one of our expert licensed Motivational Map practitioners. 

BP Sarah Stones shares why it is important to understand what motivates us...

A few years ago, we set about interviewing Motivational Maps Business Practitioners to get a sense of what they felt were the biggest challenges and rewards of becoming a BP, as well as foregrounding the amazing work they do. Since then, Motivational Maps has grown, and we have welcomed many new Business Practitioners to the fold! So, we thought it was high time we bring back this series of sound-byte interviews to further reveal the secrets of life as a BP and the incredible difference they make in the Maps community and beyond.

Sarah Stones is a specialist in motivation, an expert speaker, a coach, team trainer, and the founder of Plain Sailing Motivation—transforming lives and workplaces through motivation. With over 20 years of experience in HR and motivation coaching, she helps individuals and businesses achieve their goals by understanding and harnessing the power of motivation. Her approach is grounded in a unique blend of personal resilience and professional expertise, offering practical strategies that make a real difference.

TOP MOTIVATORS: EXPERT & SEARCHER     

When I asked Sarah why she had become a BP, she cut right to the heart of the matter:

“I want everyone to know how important it is to understand what motivates us, and I know that I can only affect so many  people alone.   Training others is a way to create more ripples and widen my impact.”

But becoming a BP not only expanded her reach but also her perception.

“You go into every conversation with a very different mindset. Not just, how can I help you? But also, is there an opportunity that actually we could take this one step further. It’s making me think strategically.”

She also highlighted the benefit of being able to take on larger projects with a team of coordinated mappers. This led to us discussing the amazing range of approaches used by the Maps community.

“I'm sure we all do Maps feedback sessions differently. We all do it the same, but we do it differently!”

What, in Sarah’s view, was her unique approach to Maps? She outlined that she had created visual metaphors for the nine motivators that helped her clients to understand the motivators more deeply.

“I’ve developed pictures that represent each motivator with really clear visual images. For example, for Defender, the motivator all about security and stability I have a lighthouse, because they always shine their light in the same place – people with this motivator like consistency and routine”

I love this innovation, as it is almost like approaching the Maps from an artistic perspective. Writers and artists use striking metaphors and symbols to imbed meanings more deeply. We are more able to grasp the full, subtle nuance of what it means to have Defender in your top three motivators if we remember the image of a lighthouse. Sarah confirmed this with a lovely anecdote.

“I did a Youth Map for a client’s daughter and she is still talking about the lighthouse! I mean, that’s really good because it brings Maps into everyday language.”

This led to us discussing the other aspect of Sarah’s approach: mental health and wellbeing. I asked her where motivation fitted in to her model and understanding of mental health.

“For me, motivation is the foundation of wellbeing. If we're not supporting someone's motivation, then actually, what are we doing? I always talk about taking your car to the filling station. If we don't put anything in, we aren’t going anywhere. If we put the wrong fuel in, we can cause significant damage. We put the right fuel in, we can just put our foot down and go.”

I found this analogy profound and beautifully succinct. If motivation fuels us, then not only do we have to make sure we have fuel in the tank, but also that we are not putting the wrong types of motivation in. This led me to ask Sarah about her top motivators. Unsurprisingly, she revealed she had Expert (the motivator all about learning and development) as her number one motivator! Her Searcher motivator (all about meaning and purpose) was previously her top motivator – it’s now her second motivator

I asked whether the transition to Expert reflected her shift into being a BP, training Licensed Practitioners and sharing her knowledge.

“Yes, absolutely. This year my main goal is to do more public speaking because again it’s about getting the message to a wider audience! I always say I am not a motivational speaker; I am an expert speaker on motivation. I cannot motivate you to do anything without understanding what your motivators are. It’s not a subtle difference, it’s a big one!”

TOP TIP

 “If we are supporting someone’s motivation

then we are supporting their mental health and wellbeing.”

https://plainsailingmotivation.co.uk

https://www.linkedin.com/in/sarah-stones/

Is there really a difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation?

All the way back in 2009, a friend of mine, Pascoe Sawyers, sent me a link to a TED Talk by Dan Pink, delivered in Oxford. In just eighteen minutes, he delivered a tremendous talk and covered a lot of ground. A year or so later, I read his book: Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, which is a fascinating and insightful work that gave me much to think on.

The essence of Pink’s argument is one that we at Motivational Maps passionately agree with: business does not deploy the real science of motivation when dealing with staff; and businesses (including not-for-profit and government organisations) tends to use a limited carrot and stick approach that only works in a narrow set of circumstances.

Put even more forcefully, Pink argues that the “If  [you do this]… Then [you get that]...” model destroys creativity. In fact, “If... Then...”  only works when dealing with simplistic activities—potty training comes to mind—certainly not anything requiring innovation or creativity. He goes on to remark that we in the West need to be creative if we are going to compete with the East.

Pink cites a lot of scientific evidence for his assertions and these are pretty compelling. One of his most telling points came at the end of his talk: he asks us to compare and contrast two products, Encarta and Wikipedia. If you were to ask in the late ‘90s which one would come to dominate the market—the product with all of Microsoft’s R&D behind it, a whole lot of highly paid managers and professionals, and marketing experts, or a self-help product produced by amateurs and “nerds”—who would you bet on?

The counter-intuitive fact is: Wikipedia won, and an essential part of this winning is down to motivation. They were/are a highly motivated team of people bent on a mission versus a bunch of professionals doing a job, earning a living, expecting a pay cheque. The controversial subtext of this is big pay cheques don’t work. In many case studies, Motivational Maps has seen organisations offer pay rises (either across the board or to a select few) only for motivation levels to decrease.

Pink goes on to say that the money motivators—extrinsic motivators—are weak compared with what he calls the intrinsic motivators. He identifies three core intrinsic motivators: Autonomy, Mastery, and Purpose.

At Motivational Maps, we are gratified that there are three – our system is built on nine motivators in three blocks of three. And we have a special language for Autonomy, Mastery, and Purpose: we call them the Spirit, the Expert and the Searcher.

However, there is a problem with this separation of extrinsic and intrinsic motivators. The problem is perception.

Motivational Maps’ nine key motivators are partly derived from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. These needs are our true motivators and although they are placed in a “hierarchy”, they all come under the umbrella of a need. At Maps, we take this one step further and recognise all motivators as being equal. We actually have all nine motivators, but each individual’s unique makeup means that we prioritise one motivator over another, and we experience the different motivators in varying degrees of intensity.

While all motivators are equally valid, some are more complex than others. At the apex of the hierarchy, we find the most complex needs, such as the quest for meaning (which we call The Searcher). The need for meaning isn’t a need in the same way as food, but the lack of either can kill us. Similarly, the need for money and status (The Builder) may not, on the surface, seem as important in the evolutionary scheme as our relationships with others (The Friend)—the instinct of belonging that is derived from our mammalian ancestry—and yet we all know that where you live and how much money is in your bank account impacts your quality of life in a thousand different ways. Poverty can kill just as easily as war or famine.

How my point about perception ties in is this: every motivator is intrinsic from the standpoint of the person motivated by it!

For the person who has The Builder as their number one motivator, money really is a deep need, as important as breathing. Likewise for The Creator, the act of creation is as essential as water and must be undertaken daily.

This may not seem like a major difference in the grand scheme, but on closer examination, and following the thinking to its appropriate end point, we see that the two models are worlds apart. To further illustrate this, we should examine Motivation 3.0.

In Drive, Pink introduces the idea of Motivation 3.0, a model that is simultaneously evolutionary and digital. Pink posits that human beings’ need to “upgrade their software” and reach a higher level of motivation and awareness by operating on the basis of intrinsic motivators rather than merely survival or command-and-control regimes. To me, this thinking is utopian and profoundly unscientific.

Whilst I absolutely agree with Pink on the issue of the importance of motivators beyond the command-and-control / carrot-and-stick model, this is not about an upgrade to human consciousness or some kind of quantum leap evolution (for let’s keep in mind Allan Bloom’s profound observation in his The Closing of the American Mind, “Human nature must not be altered in order to have a problem-free world.”). One man’s motivator is not better than another’s. The desire for meaning isn’t inherently better than the desire for a faster car. What really matters is whether or not people are acting in alignment with their motivators.

Because the world will become a better place if more people, firstly, become cognizant of their motivators, and secondly, begin to move in accordance with their motivators. Motivational Maps does what it says on the tin and gives people and businesses a road map they can follow. Our goal is not to chastise people for how they are wired, but to liberate them with self-knowledge, which will allow them to pursue their real desires and motivators, which are often obscured by societal conditioning and debilitating psychological narratives. Meeting your motivators leads to greater happiness, contentment, satisfaction, and energy levels—and when you have these things, you no longer need to engage in destructive behaviours. Motivation is not about changing who you are according to an academic paradigm but revealing who you are.

The way to Motivation 3.0 is not by shunning so-called “extrinsic” motivators in favour of “high level” intrinsic ones, but precisely the reverse. By engaging more deeply with our true motivators, whatever they may be, we can rediscover the purpose and joy of life, which will enrich not only our own lives, but the lives of everyone around us.

Find out more about Motivational Maps from our community of licensed practitioners

And if you want an opportunity to meet Motivational Map experts in person, you are welcome to attend our UK  Summer Conference