Motivational Memos

The Power of Assertiveness in Our Connected World

In today's hyper-connected world, being assertive is more important than ever. Whether you're navigating the complexities of remote work, managing personal or professional relationships, or simply trying to stay grounded amidst a whirlwind of information, assertiveness is the key to maintaining balance. It’s not about being aggressive or domineering but about expressing your needs clearly and confidently while respecting others.

We find fearless assertiveness in children. At times, it can be incredibly frustrating dealing with them, not because they are demanding, in truth, but because they are so sure of what they want! We adults are unfamiliar with this kind of confidence and self-assurance. One cannot imagine a grown man, for example, loudly interrupting a salesperson at a car-garage in order to declare: “But I want THAT ONE!” However, everybody’s lives would be made easier if they did! 

Assertiveness stems from a strong sense of self—self-esteem, self-worth, and self-efficacy. It allows us to communicate directly, setting boundaries and making decisions without feeling guilty or over-explaining ourselves. For those moments when challenges arise, having a toolkit of assertiveness techniques can be a game-changer. Here are three effective methods for staying assertive, even in tough situations: Negative Enquiry, the Broken Record Technique, and Fogging.

1. Negative Enquiry: Turn Criticism Into Clarity

Negative Enquiry is a powerful way to handle criticism or blame without becoming defensive. Instead of countering accusations or shutting down, this technique encourages you to ask questions that seek more information. For example, if a colleague says, “You never contribute enough to team meetings,” you could respond with, “How do you mean exactly?” or “Can you provide specific examples?”

By seeking clarification, you take the heat out of the criticism, showing that you are open to understanding their perspective. This often makes the other person reflect on their words and may soften their approach. It's a way of turning a potentially confrontational situation into a constructive dialogue.

2. The Broken Record Technique: Firmly Saying No

Saying “no” can be challenging, especially when others continue to push or persist. The Broken Record Technique is an effective method for maintaining your stance without giving in to pressure. When someone tries to convince you to change your mind—like a salesperson pushing a product—you can repeat your refusal calmly, using the same words each time.

For example: “Yes, I understand that the encyclopedia could be useful for my son's education, but I do not wish to buy it right now.” If they continue to press, you repeat, “I appreciate your point, but I do not wish to buy it now.” The repetition keeps you on message, making it clear that your decision is firm, without resorting to anger or elaborate justifications.

3. Fogging: Disarm With Agreement

Fogging is a technique that can help defuse aggression or criticism by agreeing with part of what the other person says—this often comes as a surprise to them! Instead of escalating the situation or shutting down a conversation, you acknowledge some aspect of their statement, even if you don't agree with the whole message. For example, if a coworker accuses you of not pulling your weight, you might say, “Yes, I can see why you might feel that way given the workload last week.”

By agreeing with a small truth, you validate the other person’s perspective without undermining your own. This diffuses tension and shows that you are listening, which can make the other party more open to hearing your side as well.

Harnessing Assertiveness in Daily Life

These assertiveness techniques—Negative Enquiry, the Broken Record, and Fogging—are powerful tools for navigating difficult conversations and maintaining your composure. In a world that is increasingly high-pace, demanding, and connected, knowing how to assert yourself without aggression can make all the difference.

Practice these methods regularly, and they will become second nature. You'll find yourself approaching tough situations with the grace of a seasoned diplomat—or perhaps better yet: with the fearlessness of a child. 

The Energy of Friendship

The 3 Keys For Discerning True Friendship

Ralph Emerson once observed that, “Friendship is the masterpiece of nature.” Indeed, friendship is often considered one of the most rewarding aspects of life. It’s right up there with love, family, and fulfilling work. When friendships are good, they bring laughter, joy, and a sense of belonging. Yet, we’ve all, at times, had cause to question the authenticity of a friendship. Are my friends truly my friends, or am I stuck in a one-sided relationship that drains my energy?

Friendship can be tricky. Unlike our family relationships, which we have much less control over as we are born into them, we get to choose our friends. But unfortunately this means we won’t always make the right choice. Some friendships do not stand the test of time, others can prove to be downright harmful. Exceptional friendships, the kind that have inspired the great literature of the world, from Gilgamesh and Enkidu through to Samwise Gamgee and Frodo Baggins, are so rare that they obtain mythical status.

So, how can we tell when a friendship is genuine and when it’s merely a social convenience or—worse—a parasitic relationship?

Key Signs of True Friendship

Basing my conclusions on personal experience and observation, rather than scientific studies which often miss the wider context, I think there are three characteristics which consistently emerge as hallmarks of true friendship: equality, reciprocity, and empathy.

1. Equality

Pythagoras famously said, “Friendship is equality”, and this holds true today. True friendship thrives on equality. When one person in a friendship feels superior or inferior, the relationship quickly becomes unbalanced. Inferiority or superiority could emerge in many forms. For example, if, during conversation, one friend’s issues are always prioritised, the other friend might feel they are not being heard. Alternatively, it could be the case that one friend is continuously emphasising their financial or societal “superiority”, rather than recognising that friendship can and should exist independent of these factors[1].

Equality means both friends can share their thoughts, emotions, and experiences without fear of judgment or a need to prove themselves.

The next time you are with friends, pay attention to the flow of conversation. Is it 50-50? Do you both have the opportunity to talk about yourselves, or does the conversation always revolve around one person? Genuine friendships feel easy and natural, where neither friend feels the need to assert dominance or defer to the other.

Needless to say, friendships based on inequality often lead to feelings of inadequacy or resentment. If you're constantly trying to impress your “friend” or feeling belittled by their actions, it’s a sign that the foundations of the relationship are shaky.

2. Reciprocity

While friendships aren’t transactional, they do involve a give-and-take. A true friend will give back as much as they take, and this exchange of benefits happens naturally. It’s not about keeping score but feeling appreciated and supported.

Ask yourself: Do you feel like you're doing all the giving in the friendship? Do your friends only seem to “take”—whether it’s your time, energy, or resources—without giving anything meaningful in return? Worse yet, do they give only what they want to give, without any consideration of what actually matters to you?

When you give in a genuine friendship, it is as good as receiving—a principle which applies to romantic relationships as well. The best friendships are about mutual support, where both parties feel uplifted.

It should, however, be noted that though the reciprocity may be equal, it is not identical. This may seem slightly paradoxical, so it is worth illustrating with an example.

A good friend of mine, we shall call him Horace, has been friends with Gully since they were eleven years old—over twenty years. Theirs is an extraordinary friendship that has withstood many assaults and triumphed over many adversities. The relationship is totally equal in many senses, and yet each is bringing something very different to the party. Gully is extremely artistic. He regularly thinks of Horace and creates handmade gifts for him. Gully also helps Horace to unwind by engaging him in fun creative pursuits which Gully organises. Horace, on the other hand, is more intellectual. He spends much time and energy mentoring Gully to help Gully achieve his creative goals which otherwise he would not pursue.

Both are sharing equally, but their “gifts”, for lack of a better term, are not the same. You could almost argue in the case of Horace and Gully that they occupy yin-yang polarities, and thus compliment one another. Gully helps Horace relax and explore his softer, more creative side. Horace pushes Gully to reach for more, and shows him how to do this. This is a state of harmonious equality, but without either party having to “force” themselves into a shape that is not their own.

3. Empathy

Empathy is perhaps the most defining characteristic of a meaningful friendship. A true friend can put themselves in your shoes, understanding your feelings, needs, and challenges. They care about what you’re going through and will try to help you in ways that are meaningful to you, not just convenient for them.

Have you ever had a friend who’s there in the good times but disappears when things get tough? Or one who doesn’t really listen, only waiting for their turn to talk? These are signs of a lack of empathy.

In a genuine friendship, both people understand each other on a deeper level. They listen, not just to respond, but to understand.

Why It’s Important Use Discernment In Your Friendships

Discerning the authenticity of your friendships isn’t about being unkind or cutting people out unnecessarily. It’s about recognising which relationships nourish your soul and which ones deplete you. True friends leave you feeling energised, happy, and supported after spending time together. If you leave interactions feeling drained, inadequate, or diminished, it’s time to reassess the relationship.

It’s vital to pay attention to how you feel around your friends. Emotions don’t lie. A good friend will elevate your self-esteem, while a fake friend might leave you feeling worse than before.

How to Move Forward: Fostering Healthier Friendships

If, after reflection, you find that some of your friendships lack equality, reciprocity, or empathy, it may be time to reconsider how much energy you’re investing in those relationships. You don’t have to confront the person or create drama. Instead, gradually pull back. Focus on relationships where you feel uplifted and appreciated. As they say in NLP, are you moving away from pain or towards what you want? The former will only lead to further suffering. Rather than thinking you need to run away from “toxic” relationships, if you instead reorient your focus on the good ones, you will find more joy. This principle applies to many areas of life.

A final point would be to prioritise friendships that align with your values. Of course, the Motivational Map is a great tool to help with this, though it is not the only one, and must also be used with discernment. Remember, it is not about the motivators as static archetypes, but about your own interpretation and relationship with the motivators. Two people with Friend as their number one motivator may, on the surface, seem to have similar values, but in fact interpret their motivator very differently!

Getting friendship right is not easy—and there are no cheat-codes—but its rewards are some of the greatest one can experience in a lifetime. Like the Motivational Maps profile, we have to bear in mind that friendships are not static. They change over time. You either grow together or grow apart, as an old maxim has it. Problems usually arrive when we cling to the static “image” of a friendship rather than attending to its living truth.

[1]It is intriguing to note that many of the world’s most successful societies, including secret societies, often practice reversals of status. There is a famous, if somewhat apocryphal, story about a President of the United States attending a Freemasonry meeting and, due to the drawing of lots, having to kowtow to his own janitor! But such subversions remind one of our equality with our fellow human beings.

If you are curious about Motivational Maps please contact one of our expert licensed Motivational Map practitioners. 

BP Sarah Stones shares why it is important to understand what motivates us...

A few years ago, we set about interviewing Motivational Maps Business Practitioners to get a sense of what they felt were the biggest challenges and rewards of becoming a BP, as well as foregrounding the amazing work they do. Since then, Motivational Maps has grown, and we have welcomed many new Business Practitioners to the fold! So, we thought it was high time we bring back this series of sound-byte interviews to further reveal the secrets of life as a BP and the incredible difference they make in the Maps community and beyond.

Sarah Stones is a specialist in motivation, an expert speaker, a coach, team trainer, and the founder of Plain Sailing Motivation—transforming lives and workplaces through motivation. With over 20 years of experience in HR and motivation coaching, she helps individuals and businesses achieve their goals by understanding and harnessing the power of motivation. Her approach is grounded in a unique blend of personal resilience and professional expertise, offering practical strategies that make a real difference.

TOP MOTIVATORS: EXPERT & SEARCHER     

When I asked Sarah why she had become a BP, she cut right to the heart of the matter:

“I want everyone to know how important it is to understand what motivates us, and I know that I can only affect so many  people alone.   Training others is a way to create more ripples and widen my impact.”

But becoming a BP not only expanded her reach but also her perception.

“You go into every conversation with a very different mindset. Not just, how can I help you? But also, is there an opportunity that actually we could take this one step further. It’s making me think strategically.”

She also highlighted the benefit of being able to take on larger projects with a team of coordinated mappers. This led to us discussing the amazing range of approaches used by the Maps community.

“I'm sure we all do Maps feedback sessions differently. We all do it the same, but we do it differently!”

What, in Sarah’s view, was her unique approach to Maps? She outlined that she had created visual metaphors for the nine motivators that helped her clients to understand the motivators more deeply.

“I’ve developed pictures that represent each motivator with really clear visual images. For example, for Defender, the motivator all about security and stability I have a lighthouse, because they always shine their light in the same place – people with this motivator like consistency and routine”

I love this innovation, as it is almost like approaching the Maps from an artistic perspective. Writers and artists use striking metaphors and symbols to imbed meanings more deeply. We are more able to grasp the full, subtle nuance of what it means to have Defender in your top three motivators if we remember the image of a lighthouse. Sarah confirmed this with a lovely anecdote.

“I did a Youth Map for a client’s daughter and she is still talking about the lighthouse! I mean, that’s really good because it brings Maps into everyday language.”

This led to us discussing the other aspect of Sarah’s approach: mental health and wellbeing. I asked her where motivation fitted in to her model and understanding of mental health.

“For me, motivation is the foundation of wellbeing. If we're not supporting someone's motivation, then actually, what are we doing? I always talk about taking your car to the filling station. If we don't put anything in, we aren’t going anywhere. If we put the wrong fuel in, we can cause significant damage. We put the right fuel in, we can just put our foot down and go.”

I found this analogy profound and beautifully succinct. If motivation fuels us, then not only do we have to make sure we have fuel in the tank, but also that we are not putting the wrong types of motivation in. This led me to ask Sarah about her top motivators. Unsurprisingly, she revealed she had Expert (the motivator all about learning and development) as her number one motivator! Her Searcher motivator (all about meaning and purpose) was previously her top motivator – it’s now her second motivator

I asked whether the transition to Expert reflected her shift into being a BP, training Licensed Practitioners and sharing her knowledge.

“Yes, absolutely. This year my main goal is to do more public speaking because again it’s about getting the message to a wider audience! I always say I am not a motivational speaker; I am an expert speaker on motivation. I cannot motivate you to do anything without understanding what your motivators are. It’s not a subtle difference, it’s a big one!”

TOP TIP

 “If we are supporting someone’s motivation

then we are supporting their mental health and wellbeing.”

https://plainsailingmotivation.co.uk

https://www.linkedin.com/in/sarah-stones/